Today I have been thinking about my mother.
Some days all you need is your Mum, no matter how old you are, you just need her. Maybe to fix things, maybe to put you in your place and tell you to suck it up and get on with it or maybe just to tell you that you have done well. Mums are, mostly, the only people who will take the time to tell you that.
I can remember in my first job an older lady saying that she wished her Mum was there to tell her what to do. At the time I thought that, at 64, she shouldn't need her Mum anymore and must be old enough to get on by herself. Now I am older and considerably wiser and I know that we all need our Mum's advice sometimes and will do until the day we die - even if that is at 110.
My Mum was firm but fair. She took no nonsense but she had our backs every step of the way. She would help us whenever we really needed it but she would also make us stand on our own two feet and face up to things whenever possible. We had unconditional love but we were not molly coddled. If we stepped out of line we were told so in no uncertain terms and then spoken to only when necessary until we learned respect. And we did learn it. We learned to show it and we learned to expect it from others too.
If we did well Mum told us - and everyone she met. If we found something difficult we were encouraged to keep at it and not give in. If it was not possible for us to do it in the end,we knew that she was proud of us for trying - she made sure that we knew - but if we walked away from something because it wasn't easy, even though she never said a word, the look of disappointment in her eyes said it for her. So we tried and, mostly, we succeeded. And we succeeded because of her.
She lit up the world just by being in it. I can still hear her singing around the house, I can hear her laughter - she smiled and laughed so much. She said life was too short to be miserable. I can see the look of joy on her face whenever we walked through the door. We were her world and she was ours and there will always be a hole in our world now that no one will ever fill. She wouldn't be happy about that and would tell us to get on and stop wallowing but it is true, there will always be a Mum shaped hole in our hearts.
She taught us well, then set us free, though we always came back.
Though most times I know what her answer to my questions would be, I would give the world just to have her hold me and tell me herself. Even if it is "Janet, pull yourself together and get on with it!"
