Another Year Over and a New One About to Begin

Well, we are at the end of 2014. We have had four difficult years with family illnesses and losses. This year has been the most difficult of all and it took its toll on us mentally. There have been times when, if I am honest, I didn't know what I was doing or saying. I worked on automatic pilot and I escaped into a world of my own. It wasn't an answer, it was just avoidance. My Dad always said that when a demon rose, you had to stand up and face it or you would never defeat it. As I was a small child I thought he actually meant a supernatural being with horns. It is only now I see exactly what he meant. It has only been the last couple of weeks that I have begun to face a lot of demons that I have left locked in a cupboard, only opening it to squeeze in one more.

None of my demons are really anything major, just issues I have never dealt with, guilt over decisions I have made when there was really very little choice in the matter, sometimes guilt over things that had absolutely nothing to do with me. So much time wasted worrying over things, time that should have been spent doing something worthwhile.

If my Dad could have seen me this year he would have stood with  his arms folded, shaken his head and asked me who I thought I was helping, moping round the place and my Mum would have said  to "pull yourself together and get on with things." If I messed up Dad always made me go back and put it right with people. Some things I can never put right and I have let that really bother me because it felt like I was letting Dad down as well as other people, family and friends.

 My brother always says that I have idealised my father in my head and need to realise that he too wasn't perfect. Since losing my Mum I have found out about mistakes my Dad made that at first just added to my distress but I have come to realise that, no, my Dad was not perfect, he was human, but the important thing is that he tried and he encouraged us to try. That's just it - to try. Sometimes we don't succeed. That does not mean that we are complete failures or that we have badly let people down. It means that we are human. I can't believe I have wasted the last few years trying to be superhuman and then berating myself for not managing it. I have not only ruined my enjoyment of life but that of my family.

Over quite a difficult Christmas this year when I think I finally hit rock bottom and believed I didn't want to see 2015 because I couldn't see one thing to look forward to, I began to think about all the things my parents used to say to me, little sayings or phrases,   and I am going to focus on them to get my and my family's life back on track.

My Dad used to say "There's no use complaining, and if you do no one listens" That is something I have done far too much of lately - complain. I am going to try so hard not to do much of it in 2015.

He also said "We all make mistakes, the trick is to learn from them and be better next time" - something I have not done, I have dwelt on my mistakes and let them fester into demons, ones that have taken over my life. Mistakes are just that. You learn by them, you grow through them. Next year I will use them to help me make better decisions.

My Mum used to tell me "Don't think about the past too much, it's gone, if you stay there you'll waste your future" I have spent so much of my life thinking how I could have changed situations or conversations and whether things would be better if I had. I have spent most of this year going over and over decisions I made for my mother's care. It has not helped her, she is totally at peace now and it certainly has not helped me or my family. Next year I will focus not on what I have done that cannot be changed but on what I can do that will make a difference.

My Dad always smiled when at the end of the day we sat down for tea and looked mucky and dishevelled (as long as our hands were clean). He always said that an immaculate child had certainly not had any fun! That is something I seem to have forgotten over the years - the need to have fun, even as an adult, to do daft things and laugh. In 2015 I intend to start having fun, both on my own and with my family. It is a mother's duty to embarrass her children. My Mum used to tell me that with a wink, if I disapproved of something. I have to say my mother never did anything worth disapproval but she did have fun!

My Mum always said that she was still 19 in her head despite how she appeared on the outside, and I have to say that until well past retirement age she still managed to do so many things and definitely had a young outlook on life, a thing my daughter remembers well "Mum, Nan was more with it and less prudish than you" Yes, she was. I really don't know when I became so straight laced and serious but it is definitely time to start being the fun Mum I always intended to be and maybe even shock my husband by being a fun wife again!

My parents went through far worse years than I have ever had to cope with, they experienced greater loss than me and still they laughed and sang and believed in magic and the impossible and they were two of the happiest people I ever knew. My Dad always said children needed love not expensive toys and clothes and he was right. We were raised with so much love and that is why our childhood was so magical, because both parents gave us their love and attention. They wanted us to have a better life than them. With recent years I have felt that my life was an absolute mess and that I was never going to be happy because the world was plotting against me. The truth is I was plotting against me and against those that I love. My parents would certainly not approve of that and neither do I. I intend to spend 2015 focusing on loving my family as they should be loved.

Abraham Lincoln supposedly said that 'Most people are as happy as they make up their minds to be.' This coming year my attitude is going to change. I intend to be happy, to support my husband and family and to stop dwelling on the past. I will not be going to the Hillsborough Memorial Service this year or remembering the death days of my parents. I will focus on the positives, the days they were born, married, made a difference in the world and I intend to make a positive difference in the world too. As my Dad used to tell me "You can stop sulking young lady, you will go out there and smile at people because it may be the best thing to happen to them all day" The time for sulking is over,  2015 is the year to smile and make a difference.  A Happy New Year to All. It is going to be amazing - and why? Because we are all going to make it so!

The Wonderful World of Books

There isn't a room in our house that doesn't have a book in it. Some rooms are so full of books that there is barely room for anything else. If we go away, even for just a few days, books are amongst the first things that are packed. Books are, quite literally, an essential part of our lives. We are at our local bookshop so often that I think the staff include our presence when they do their stocktaking.

When I look back at my childhood I remember being tucked up in bed reading, snuggled in a comfy chair by the roaring fire on a cold winter's day devouring a wonderful work of fiction or laying on a towel on a beach with a book in my hand. One of the first things I remember my Dad doing, after finishing his dinner, is settling down on the sofa with 'The Count of Monte Cristo' or 'Kidnapped' or other exciting novels.

So why are books so important? Well, they can inspire, reassure, give hope, gratitude, terrify, amuse or simply liven up a boring day.

For as long as I can remember I have escaped into books, loved their worlds and wanted to live in them. When I was in primary school I used to love reading the Enid Blyton Secret Seven books. I wanted to live in the wonderful land of freedom inhabited by those children. I wanted to go sailing, exploring woods and brooks,to have exciting adventures. The bizarre thing is I had a wonderful childhood, full of freedom. I was out with my friends in all the daylight hours playing sports, climbing trees, hiding and seeking, but somehow the land in which the Secret Seven lived was far more exciting than mine.

As I reached my early teens Agatha Christie became the woman to read. Then I wanted to be Tuppance and go out solving mysteries with delightful Tommy. I think I read every one of her crime books. To this day I would still recommend 'The Murder of Roger Ackroyd' and I defy anyone who hasn't read it to identify the killer before she/he is revealed.

Of course as I grew older it became romances that I wanted to read. Jane Austen quickly became a favourite and I waited and waited for a wonderful Colonel Brandon to come along, whilst reading and rereading her books. Crime wise, I left Agatha Christie behind and moved on to Dorothy L Sayers and her delightful Lord Peter Wimsey. Then I discovered more and more classic books and never looked back. At one point I was asked at the local library if I ate them because I was there so often for more!

These days, with a lovely family needing my attention, I don't read as much as I used to but still quite a lot. I am not so fussy now. I will read anything. One day a classic, next an autobiography, then a poetry book, followed by a comedy sketch book, even (gasp) a graphic novel! But still I often lose myself in them and escape to an exciting world, free from stress and worry where magical things can happen and dreams really do come true.

So I would say to anyone - if you enjoy it read it. I am even beginning to attempt science fiction and fantasy books myself and, do you know something, they are not at all bad. So don't stop reading something because someone laughs or thinks your choice inadequate. It's your choice not theirs. This comes from the woman who will be reading 'Bunny Hopwell's First Spring' again next February for about the zillionth time since I was five. Before you ask, no I'm not embarrassed to be reading a kids' book. It takes me back to a wonderful childhood and reminds me that at the end of every bleak winter, there is a beautiful spring to look forward to. Books are there sometimes to educate, enlighten and inspire but at others just because they are good fun and you want to read them. So I say again - pick a book that you are going to enjoy, then read it and escape into the wonderful, magical world of reading.