Well, we are at the end of 2014. We have had four difficult years with family illnesses and losses. This year has been the most difficult of all and it took its toll on us mentally. There have been times when, if I am honest, I didn't know what I was doing or saying. I worked on automatic pilot and I escaped into a world of my own. It wasn't an answer, it was just avoidance. My Dad always said that when a demon rose, you had to stand up and face it or you would never defeat it. As I was a small child I thought he actually meant a supernatural being with horns. It is only now I see exactly what he meant. It has only been the last couple of weeks that I have begun to face a lot of demons that I have left locked in a cupboard, only opening it to squeeze in one more.
None of my demons are really anything major, just issues I have never dealt with, guilt over decisions I have made when there was really very little choice in the matter, sometimes guilt over things that had absolutely nothing to do with me. So much time wasted worrying over things, time that should have been spent doing something worthwhile.
If my Dad could have seen me this year he would have stood with his arms folded, shaken his head and asked me who I thought I was helping, moping round the place and my Mum would have said to "pull yourself together and get on with things." If I messed up Dad always made me go back and put it right with people. Some things I can never put right and I have let that really bother me because it felt like I was letting Dad down as well as other people, family and friends.
My brother always says that I have idealised my father in my head and need to realise that he too wasn't perfect. Since losing my Mum I have found out about mistakes my Dad made that at first just added to my distress but I have come to realise that, no, my Dad was not perfect, he was human, but the important thing is that he tried and he encouraged us to try. That's just it - to try. Sometimes we don't succeed. That does not mean that we are complete failures or that we have badly let people down. It means that we are human. I can't believe I have wasted the last few years trying to be superhuman and then berating myself for not managing it. I have not only ruined my enjoyment of life but that of my family.
Over quite a difficult Christmas this year when I think I finally hit rock bottom and believed I didn't want to see 2015 because I couldn't see one thing to look forward to, I began to think about all the things my parents used to say to me, little sayings or phrases, and I am going to focus on them to get my and my family's life back on track.
My Dad used to say "There's no use complaining, and if you do no one listens" That is something I have done far too much of lately - complain. I am going to try so hard not to do much of it in 2015.
He also said "We all make mistakes, the trick is to learn from them and be better next time" - something I have not done, I have dwelt on my mistakes and let them fester into demons, ones that have taken over my life. Mistakes are just that. You learn by them, you grow through them. Next year I will use them to help me make better decisions.
My Mum used to tell me "Don't think about the past too much, it's gone, if you stay there you'll waste your future" I have spent so much of my life thinking how I could have changed situations or conversations and whether things would be better if I had. I have spent most of this year going over and over decisions I made for my mother's care. It has not helped her, she is totally at peace now and it certainly has not helped me or my family. Next year I will focus not on what I have done that cannot be changed but on what I can do that will make a difference.
My Dad always smiled when at the end of the day we sat down for tea and looked mucky and dishevelled (as long as our hands were clean). He always said that an immaculate child had certainly not had any fun! That is something I seem to have forgotten over the years - the need to have fun, even as an adult, to do daft things and laugh. In 2015 I intend to start having fun, both on my own and with my family. It is a mother's duty to embarrass her children. My Mum used to tell me that with a wink, if I disapproved of something. I have to say my mother never did anything worth disapproval but she did have fun!
My Mum always said that she was still 19 in her head despite how she appeared on the outside, and I have to say that until well past retirement age she still managed to do so many things and definitely had a young outlook on life, a thing my daughter remembers well "Mum, Nan was more with it and less prudish than you" Yes, she was. I really don't know when I became so straight laced and serious but it is definitely time to start being the fun Mum I always intended to be and maybe even shock my husband by being a fun wife again!
My parents went through far worse years than I have ever had to cope with, they experienced greater loss than me and still they laughed and sang and believed in magic and the impossible and they were two of the happiest people I ever knew. My Dad always said children needed love not expensive toys and clothes and he was right. We were raised with so much love and that is why our childhood was so magical, because both parents gave us their love and attention. They wanted us to have a better life than them. With recent years I have felt that my life was an absolute mess and that I was never going to be happy because the world was plotting against me. The truth is I was plotting against me and against those that I love. My parents would certainly not approve of that and neither do I. I intend to spend 2015 focusing on loving my family as they should be loved.
Abraham Lincoln supposedly said that 'Most people are as happy as they make up their minds to be.' This coming year my attitude is going to change. I intend to be happy, to support my husband and family and to stop dwelling on the past. I will not be going to the Hillsborough Memorial Service this year or remembering the death days of my parents. I will focus on the positives, the days they were born, married, made a difference in the world and I intend to make a positive difference in the world too. As my Dad used to tell me "You can stop sulking young lady, you will go out there and smile at people because it may be the best thing to happen to them all day" The time for sulking is over, 2015 is the year to smile and make a difference. A Happy New Year to All. It is going to be amazing - and why? Because we are all going to make it so!
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