The Call of the Sea

 

The picture above is of our lovely Crosby beach, within walking distance of my home. It is a beautiful place to visit and a wonderful place to think. 

There is an old saying by Martin Buxbaum:

“I have seen the sea when it is stormy and wild; when it is quiet and serene; when it is dark and moody. And in all its moods, I see myself”

I love that saying and sometimes wonder whether that is why I love the sea so much, because it has all the same moods as I do. If I am happy I go down to our beach and appreciate its beauty. If  I am sad I take myself down there, sit and have a cry then walk and walk along the sands to work it out. If I am cross I visit the beach and walk and walk and listen to the rhythm of the waves and it calms me down, as though it's saying 'Hush, how is this anger helping, calm down, think reasonably'. The beach and sea  is my friend and my counsellor. In all times of my life it's been there to listen, to calm and to smile with me.

A few years ago my husband and I were considering moving when he retires. We were looking at a variety of places and I suddenly said 'Unless it's by the coast or a river I'm not going, I couldn't settle'. Up to that point I hadn't realised how much I need the flow of water around me. I told this to my daughter and she said that she fully understood, that she couldn't settle fully inland either. We are coastal girls and always will be.

I take walks along our beach throughout the year. I especially like it early morning or outside of summer when it is quiet and I can walk with just my thoughts, the gulls and the waves lapping along the sands. Just walking along there grounds me, settles me and assures me that all is okay. You'll often find a walk along the beach on my 'feelgood activities list'. The beach is in my blood. I remember visiting it as a little girl with my Dad who would tell me to listen to those waves talking - maybe that's why I find them comforting. He would also point out the ships on the Mersey and tell me all the far away countries they were sailing to and that one day I could sail and explore anywhere in the world if I wanted to. As a small child this seemed amazing, I could be an explorer, an adventurer, because my Dad told me so. I often wonder what he would think if he knew how unadventurous I actually am.

My favourite holidays have always been at the seaside. Much as I love my Brontës and their moors, a few days is long enough away from the coast. Every summer my Dad would take our family to the Isle of Man for our summer holidays. We would stay in Laxey, exploring the island but always returning to the reassurance of that pebble beach and those lapping waves. My Dad passed away when I was still very young and, though we didn't go back to the Isle of Man, my Mum would always take me for a seaside holiday and I always loved it. Give me sand, rock pools and shells and I am happy.

When we married my husband booked us a wonderful honeymoon on the Isle of Lewis. We had two weeks of glorious weather and our cottage was right on a beach. We didn't see another soul on our beach for the two weeks just us, the sands and the waves. We explored the coast too and watched the seals around the island, it was heaven.

One of my favourite day trips when up north is out to the Farne Islands to watch the birds there, puffins if you go in May. I love it there and never want to leave. I feel like I'm making my own wildlife documentary, or as the kids will tell you "Mum, that's a lot of photos of birds and seals!"

Last year was our silver wedding anniversary and my husband asked me where I would like to go to celebrate for a week. Just the two of us. I immediately replied 'Anglesey'. We had the most wonderful week and we explored many beaches there. I just relaxed and smiled the whole week because we were by the sea and I so love the sea. 

My son sometimes asks me whether I would like to go to space one day. The reply is "Not until they find a planet with a nice beach with the waves lapping up".

I do have other interests, I love museums and art galleries and I really enjoy exploring stately homes but, at some point, I must return to my lovely beach and answer the call of the sea.

On realising that I am becoming a recluse and also realising that it's okay

 

In 2020 the country went into lockdown. Many people struggled with that. It was a difficult time and affected their mental health. For me my mental health actually improved. I have realised this in conversations with my daughter over recent days. She said to me ''You were happiest of all when you were in lockdown". I have realised that she is actually right. I can talk to anybody I meet but I also need my quiet time - and I need a lot of it. 

During lockdowns I focused on my little family, my garden, reading and going for walks. It was my idea of heaven. I hadn't realised but a lot of my anxiety is caused by having to meet people on a regular basis. This is no reflection on them - my friends and extended family are wonderful but my mind requires quiet, I need quiet - more than I ever realised. During all the lockdowns I was calm, I was relaxed and I was mostly happy, even with the fear of contracting the virus. I did have that fear but the fear of not having my own time and thoughts and having to socialise was removed and my head had time to be calm. 

When we go on summer holidays we always book a cottage in the middle of nowhere and I relax in the peace with my books. I look at the busy holidays in bustling places others choose and I feel stressed just looking at them. I am sure they feel stressed looking at the remote places I choose to visit. The thing is we are who we are and we all need to know that that is okay, even if it is different from others.

Since lockdowns were lifted many friends have suggested meeting up, going out for meals and having get togethers. It's what everyone else had been waiting for. For me it has been so stressful. I try to space people out, I try to explain that big get togethers are not for me. I know that I seem odd, yet during those enforced times away from the world I discovered who I am - I am a partial recluse, I need my peace, I need my space. I often say to my husband that I'd like to move away somewhere remote. that I can't handle people. My idea of heaven. I could plan my social time, well spaced out and with space to arrange a get together long in advance.

I used to volunteer to join in so much and help with many things but I've come to realise that that also causes me a lot of stress so I do it less and less. At first I felt guilty but I'm gradually realising that I'm just becoming who I am and telling myself that that is okay.

A friend once said 'but you chat away on social media', she's right, sometimes I do but the advantage of that is that when I have reached my social limit, I can put my tablet down, walk away and read a book, sit in the garden and watch the birds or just sit quietly. 

I have come to realise that I am who I am and who I am is a part time social recluse. Sometimes I need a few weeks away from everybody to just take some quiet time to reset myself. I like quiet, I like space, I like time to clear my thoughts, I like time alone in my garden, at a nature reserve or on the beach and that is okay. My children are social being who love being out doing things. That is who they are, and that is okay too. It has taken me over fifty years to discover who I am. So, please forgive me if I cancel plans, decline an invitation or just go off grid for a few weeks. I just need my quiet time to be me and, as my daughter tells me, being me is okay, stepping back is okay. I can still chat for England if I meet you on one of my walks but I need far more quiet time alone than I ever realised before Lockdowns.

It's just finally time to become who I am.