In 2020 the country went into lockdown. Many people struggled with that. It was a difficult time and affected their mental health. For me my mental health actually improved. I have realised this in conversations with my daughter over recent days. She said to me ''You were happiest of all when you were in lockdown". I have realised that she is actually right. I can talk to anybody I meet but I also need my quiet time - and I need a lot of it.
During lockdowns I focused on my little family, my garden, reading and going for walks. It was my idea of heaven. I hadn't realised but a lot of my anxiety is caused by having to meet people on a regular basis. This is no reflection on them - my friends and extended family are wonderful but my mind requires quiet, I need quiet - more than I ever realised. During all the lockdowns I was calm, I was relaxed and I was mostly happy, even with the fear of contracting the virus. I did have that fear but the fear of not having my own time and thoughts and having to socialise was removed and my head had time to be calm.
When we go on summer holidays we always book a cottage in the middle of nowhere and I relax in the peace with my books. I look at the busy holidays in bustling places others choose and I feel stressed just looking at them. I am sure they feel stressed looking at the remote places I choose to visit. The thing is we are who we are and we all need to know that that is okay, even if it is different from others.
Since lockdowns were lifted many friends have suggested meeting up, going out for meals and having get togethers. It's what everyone else had been waiting for. For me it has been so stressful. I try to space people out, I try to explain that big get togethers are not for me. I know that I seem odd, yet during those enforced times away from the world I discovered who I am - I am a partial recluse, I need my peace, I need my space. I often say to my husband that I'd like to move away somewhere remote. that I can't handle people. My idea of heaven. I could plan my social time, well spaced out and with space to arrange a get together long in advance.
I used to volunteer to join in so much and help with many things but I've come to realise that that also causes me a lot of stress so I do it less and less. At first I felt guilty but I'm gradually realising that I'm just becoming who I am and telling myself that that is okay.
A friend once said 'but you chat away on social media', she's right, sometimes I do but the advantage of that is that when I have reached my social limit, I can put my tablet down, walk away and read a book, sit in the garden and watch the birds or just sit quietly.
I have come to realise that I am who I am and who I am is a part time social recluse. Sometimes I need a few weeks away from everybody to just take some quiet time to reset myself. I like quiet, I like space, I like time to clear my thoughts, I like time alone in my garden, at a nature reserve or on the beach and that is okay. My children are social being who love being out doing things. That is who they are, and that is okay too. It has taken me over fifty years to discover who I am. So, please forgive me if I cancel plans, decline an invitation or just go off grid for a few weeks. I just need my quiet time to be me and, as my daughter tells me, being me is okay, stepping back is okay. I can still chat for England if I meet you on one of my walks but I need far more quiet time alone than I ever realised before Lockdowns.
It's just finally time to become who I am.
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