On Learning To Love Autumn Again

My mother always struggled with winter. Her happiness returned with the spring. She would be in bed by nine during the darker months. She would tell me that that was nothing, as a child she would be in bed by 5pm throughout the winter. Looking back I realise that my mother probably suffered with Seasonal Affective Disorder all her life but that wasn't something you heard of in those days. I, on the other hand, loved all the seasons. There was something special about them all but my most favourite was the autumn. I loved the colours and the scents. I loved how, as you stepped out of your door in your scarf and sweater, the cool autumn air seemed to wrap you in a hug. 

However, about twelve years ago all this changed. I found that I was weepy and miserable as soon as the dark months began to arrive. I would practically hibernate at times, I just did not want to go out or see people. Initially this happened just in the winter but gradually I started to get a hint of despondency as soon as autumn arrived. It was as though autumn meant that the sad season was coming and I was already preparing for it. Over a few years I went from loving the autumn to dreading it. My favourite season was suddenly gone and I waited for the spring.

Six years ago a consultant found that my vitamin D levels were exceptionally low and put me on some super strength Vitamin D tablets. My husband bought me a S.A.D. lamp. Friends offered to walk with me. People were determined to help me beat those winter blues.

When the pandemic hit and my daughter was home from university for 2020/21 she took me out walking every day of that winter and that hour walking each day helped stop me slipping into my usual malaise. Daylight certainly helps. Unfortunately last winter I was back to not going out if I could help it and, again, my mood wasn't so good. I could feel the gloom slipping in from early October.

This year, as September started to approach, I felt that familiar anxiety start to build, the expectation of feeling sad soon. But I decided that I'm going to try very hard not to let that happen. In winter it's the weather and lack of light, in September, for me, I think it's become a habit. A habit that I am going to break. Maybe my S.A.D will return again this winter, maybe not, but one thing I am sure of - I am not helping it along by setting myself up to be sad.

I have decorated for autumn and it is beautiful. I intend to go for regular walks and soak up the colours, the sights and the sounds of the season. I intend to join in the celebrations, Harvest, Hallowe'en, Bonfire night, Thanksgiving. I will bake seasonally. If we get bright days I will pop on a coat, make some hot chocolate and sit in my garden and soak up that beautiful daylight. I will read autumn poetry. I will wear autumn colours. I am determined that I will reclaim my love of this season and, who knows, maybe that will help me a little through the dark nights of winter. This winter there will be fairy lights and there will be hope. I will continue with my lists of feelgood activities to keep me on the up and I will do my very best this year to keep that positivity going. And if I slip some days, that is okay, maybe it will be fewer days than last year. Every step is a step forward and suffering from S.A.D. is not a failure, it's a struggle, a struggle against a feeling which on some days wins, but on some days doesn't and those days are a triumph.

My first step in the battle this year is to reclaim my love of autumn, which really is a beautiful season. Now that's not so difficult is it?