So How is it Going? (can we really live worry-free like a child?)

 

On Friday we enter March. At the start of the year I said that I was going to work hard at living in the moment rather than planning endlessly and worrying about not getting things done or what's going to happen next. I've always been an anxious adult but I'm reaching the age where I realise what a lot of time I wasted worrying about things that never actually happened and how I never did worry like that as a child. "2024 is to be the year I rediscover my inner child I said."

So, how is it going? On the whole pretty well. I'm learning to step back, that I don't have to do everything right away, that it's okay not to complete every task I used to plan so meticulously. And I'm feeling happier for it. I don't think I've actually hit one S.A.D. slump this year. As I said last month this could be because my Vitamin D levels are finally normal but I also think it's helped that I have stopped piling stress onto myself. Even the weather isn't getting to me. I talk about it a lot but it isn't getting to me.

Well that all sounds good doesn't it? Well done Janet. But is it all perfect? No, though it would be odd if it was really. I have a new thing to work on. I still get anxious and have the odd sleepless night worrying about the children and decisions they have to make in their futures. That's it you see, I have to remind myself that it's THEIR futures and THEIR decisions. That is my new 'To work on'. I have to remember that they are all grown up now - strong, intelligent people quite capable of deciding their futures for themselves. If they want advice they will ask for it. What if they make a wrong decision? It will mean that they are human (if there is one person on this earth who has never made a wrong decision then they are an alien life form) and it will help them grow too. It is not my job to interfere, it is my job to trust them to decide for themselves and to be there should they make a mistake and need me. That is what a mother's job is - to raise your children to be strong, confident adults and then to trust them to go out into the world on their own, fearlessly independent but knowing that there is back up at home should they need it. So what should I work on? Reminding myself (as Mark Rylance's character in Bridge of Spies would advise) that there is no point in  worrying, it won't help. That is my next part of learning to live in the moment. It may take a while, as most wise changes do but I will work at it.

This month has been a fun one, mostly deciding on the day. Eating out, visiting places, decorating, realising that our winter weather really isn't as bad as I think (while knitting my weather blanket). We have celebrated Chinese New Year, Valentine's Day, Pancake Day and entered Lent. We've celebrated special birthdays and had an impromptu tour of our local Catholic church courtesy of a very kind priest who saw us taking photos and admiring the area. If you ever get the chance, St Mary's Church in Little Crosby Village is beautiful and well worth a visit. When you are given its history by someone who knows it so well and has fun stories about it it's even better.

So what about March. As I say, I intend to work at being a more relaxed Mum. Apart from that I've looked in my almanac and it's a very busy month. If I need something to distract me there's:

1st March -  St David's Day, time to maybe bring more daffodils in to my porch display and get back to practising my Welsh on Duolingo.

5th March - St Piran's Day - patron saint of Cornwall and tin miners. If it's a rainy day it might be a good day to research him and make a clotted cream tea.

8th March - International Women's Day - A day to think about the women's rights movement, to focus on gender equality, reproductive rights and violence and abuse against women. 

10th March - Mothering Sunday - a day to be grateful to all our mothers and those who have acted like one in our lives. (also a day off for me)   

              Ramadan also begins today at sundown. Maybe time I learned about this again. It's a long time since I studied other faiths at university.

13th March - Today (if the night is clear) you can see a close approach of the moon and Jupiter. They'll appear at dusk in the southwest at about 18:30 and will set at 22:20 in the northwest.

17th March - St Patrick's Day - a good day to learn some of the history of Ireland and maybe read some poetry by W. B. Yeats or Seamus Heaney.

20th March - Spring Equinox - the beginning of astronomical spring. A great day to take a walk and admire nature.

23rd March - Purim begins at sundown. Again maybe time I learned more.

24th March - Mercury is furthest from the sun and easiest to see. It can be seen for a few days before and after this date. Look in the direction of sunset closest to the horizon from about 19:00.

25th March - Holi, more to be learned and spring celebrated.

31st March - Easter Sunday - the most important date of the year in my faith and one for celebration. Maybe we'll even have the weather for an outside picnic.

As you can see there is plenty to do in March. I won't do them all. I'm deciding my life one day at a time these days and I have so many fun things to enjoy as well as practical things to do. It's just nice to have things to refer back to as days come round. 

So the plan is to continue to live in the moment, get out walking and to focus on worrying less. Every step forward is an achievement and every slip is a reminder that I am still human but I know that I can try again. Life is brighter just with the steps that I have taken. Now it's time that I stopped prattling, today is a beautifully sunny day so it's best to crack on and enjoy it.

I'll check in again as April approaches and let you know how my inner child is getting on.

On trying to relearn living in the present

Well, I said that I would check in at the end of January and let you know how my trying to live in the present was going. If you remember my last blog, at the start of the year I said that I would stop planning, stop making far too many lists, as they were constraining me, and try to take each day as it comes just as I did in childhood. So how is that going?

The short answer is - very well. I have really surprised myself. I used to set myself lists of chores to do for that day and if I didn't get through them all I felt like a failure. Many days I would skip walks or fun things because I knew if I did those then I wouldn't get through all my chores. How ridiculous is that? Very, I know. This year, so far, the only lists that have been made are menus, shopping lists and feel-good activity lists and do you know something - life has been so much easier and so much happier.

My son and I had trips out and I didn't worry about catching up on chores when I got home, I took lots of walks and really enjoyed them - and the house didn't get dirty and the washing didn't pile up. Even when Covid hit it didn't cause my usual winter SAD to kick in. I was miserable for a few days because I felt rotten but, once I was over the worse, I slept, read and knitted and I didn't worry about what wasn't getting done. By the time I got the negative test I was a bit fed up of the indoors but that was it, no big worry. I continue to take each day as it comes.

On the first of January I started to knit a weather blanket. Even that has helped my mood.

Usually I only remember the gloomy overcast days in January but just look at that blanket, yes there have been overcast days but do you see how many days of blue skies and sunshine we have had too?

January has been a rather fine month considering - even with the two storms (The green rows are the strong winds) - and that isn't a bad start to a year. We've embraced Hygge here and had lots of fairy lights to brighten the gloomy days, warm blankets, snuggly socks and hot chocolates. My husband made lambswool (a hot cider drink with roasted apples) and we went out to wassail our apple trees on old twelfth night. We sang wassailing songs, talked to and blessed the trees, hung toast on the branches and scattered some of the lambswool around the roots. We then sat to watch the stars for a while as we drank our lambswool. Unfortunately I was coming down with Covid and didn't stay out as long as I would have but it was fun. Can't wait for next year.

I usually have my reading planned out months in advance too. Something else that was constraining. This month I have picked up whatever book I felt like at the time and I have really had fun with my reading.

As I have enjoyed living in the moment so much I am going to continue through February. I shall live one day at the time. I have had a look at my almanac to see what events/celebrations are coming up and I may try to join in with some of those:

1st February is Imbolc, also known as Saint Brigid's Day. It marks the beginning of spring. I shall get myself out walking again, look for signs of spring around me and enjoy the daily progress of nature. I may change my porch display to be more spring like and colourful too.

1st February is also the start of LGBTQ+ history month - the theme this year is Medicine #UnderTheScope - a prompt to celebrate the work of LGBTQ+ people that have made significant contributions to the field of medicine. It's also an opportunity to shine a light on the discrimination and inequalities that LGBTQ+ people have historically experienced in healthcare settings, and still face to this day. I intend to educate myself more about this.

2nd February is Candlemas - a celebration of the presenting of Christ at the Temple. It's also the time to take down your Christmas trees if they are still up. Snowdrops used to be known as Candlemas bells because that was the time you were sure to see them. I may go on a snowdrop hunt on this day.

10th February is the Lunar New Year - Chinese New Year, this year it is the Year of the Greenwood Dragon. Another good time to celebrate. We have lots of events in Liverpool City Centre for this and I think that I may cook up a Chinese banquet too.

February 13th is Shrove Tuesday and my lovely daughter will be home for half term so we shall make pancakes together with lots of  different fillings

February 14th is St Valentine's Day - a day to celebrate love, not just romantic love but the love between parents and children, the love between friends and the love we share with pets. It's a genuinely all round positive day, just celebrating love in its many forms.

February 29th is leap day - we have a whole extra day this year. My plan is to decide on the day but do something really fun to celebrate having the gift of an extra day to the year.

So that's some of the celebrations that I may join in with but most of all I intend to live in and for the moment. I shall look for the joy and the gifts of each day, celebrate them and hopefully find as much happiness in February as I did in January.

To Live Like A Child

 

Time moves on. That is one thing that I do know. Time most definitely moves on. My mother knew that and she taught me to make the most of every moment and, sadly, that is one thing that I have forgotten in recent years. When my winter SAD kicks in I spend my time wishing for the arrival of spring and the lighter days. I start making spring and summer plans to give me 'something to look forward to'. My Mum would tell me "You're wishing your life away Janet" and, do you know something, she would be right. I have spent a lot of winters doing just that and wasting precious moments of my life. Following a discussion with a friend a few years back who also suffers with SAD we decided that something that helps our moods is doing things we did in childhood - maybe colouring, reading a favourite book from childhood, watching a favourite childhood movie, all these things seem to help just a little.

Lately, when I have felt my mood begin to dip I have thought a lot about that. This time of year is always hard because we seem to have had a lot of sad things happen in December/January over the years. my Mum would tell me they don't happen more at this time of year, it's just that you notice them more and remember them more because of the season. If I made a record I'm sure that I'd find sad events spread evenly throughout the year - and happy ones too. Again my Mum would be right. The more I have thought about my childhood recently the more I have realised that sad things happened then too but somehow I handled them better. Why? Because I was a child and I lived in the moment. I was sad about sad events but then I moved on and enjoyed whatever was coming next. I didn't dwell. As a child if you've done something wrong you apologise and move on. As an adult you can dwell about how you made a wrong decision and who it affected. Dwelling doesn't do anybody any good. You can't change the past, but you can learn from it and use it to move forward and be better next time just as children do. You learn right through your life and you grow through it.

So my only resolution for 2024 is to take a leaf from my childhood book and live in the moment. I won't go into January thinking I must plan something for the spring/summer to give me something to look forward to. I will live in January, and in February and onwards. With a Christmas voucher I bought a 2024 Almanac to help me focus on each month. I will look at celebrations, the night sky, folklore, tide times (I live on the coast, I should know them), nature etc. I will take walks and celebrate the area in which I live and the seasonal changes about me.

Just looking at January I already have:

1) New Year's Day which is also International Self Care Day a day to think about our mental and physical health, to take some time to plan how to look after ourselves for a whole year (or maybe just one day at a time) - and when we are on top form we can look after others so we're helping them too with our necessary pauses to recharge.

2) On the 3rd and 4th January it is the peak of the Quadrantid meteor shower. You never know we may get some clear skies on one of those nights and how better to spend an evening than making a hot chocolate, wrapping up warm and going out to watch a shower in the skies.

3) 5th January is Twelfth Night - the day to take down the decorations, start the Christmas cake and read some festive poetry

4)  6th January isThe Feast of the Epiphany - for this year I intend to celebrate by reading T S Eliot's Ariel Poems and playing some Epiphany carols on my piano.

5) 17th January - this is old Twelfth Night, before the Gregorian calendar, and the date that many people still choose for wassailing. We intend to wassail the apple trees in our garden, though this year we must tell the neighbours before they wonder what on earth is going on with the clanging of pans and caterwauling in the garden.

6)  20th January - the moon visits Pleiades - the moon passes by the Pleiades star cluster, you can spot the star cluster through binoculars and you may be able to spot the moon in the same view if you have wide field binoculars. The moon will only be a week away from being full so should be very bright. How beautiful will that look?

7) 25th January - Burns Night - a night for Haggis, Neeps and Tatties, listening to Scottish music and reading Robert Burns' poetry

8)  27th/28th January Is the RSPB Big Garden Birdwatch

9) 31st January is National Hot Chocolate Day - if it's a clear night wrap up warm, make a hot chocolate with all the trimmings and sit out on a garden bench and star gaze.

So January has many delights and if I add in walks, appreciating all my local borough has to offer, and making a note of seasonal vegetables and cooking with the season it will keep me busy. My Almanac tells me to make a space for each month to bring nature into the house - just like the Nature tables of my youth. I shall try to change my porch display each month, maybe nature, maybe something else, and I shall work on improving my garden, another seasonal activity. With all that and my books I should be kept very busy.

I think that I am going to enjoy living in the moment in 2024. I shall let you know at the end of January how it is going and maybe tell you some of my plans for February. I know some days I will find it hard but I will try to make myself go out and walk even on rainy days because that bit of daylight makes all the difference as, I think, will taking one day at a time. Wish me luck xx

On Learning To Love Autumn Again

My mother always struggled with winter. Her happiness returned with the spring. She would be in bed by nine during the darker months. She would tell me that that was nothing, as a child she would be in bed by 5pm throughout the winter. Looking back I realise that my mother probably suffered with Seasonal Affective Disorder all her life but that wasn't something you heard of in those days. I, on the other hand, loved all the seasons. There was something special about them all but my most favourite was the autumn. I loved the colours and the scents. I loved how, as you stepped out of your door in your scarf and sweater, the cool autumn air seemed to wrap you in a hug. 

However, about twelve years ago all this changed. I found that I was weepy and miserable as soon as the dark months began to arrive. I would practically hibernate at times, I just did not want to go out or see people. Initially this happened just in the winter but gradually I started to get a hint of despondency as soon as autumn arrived. It was as though autumn meant that the sad season was coming and I was already preparing for it. Over a few years I went from loving the autumn to dreading it. My favourite season was suddenly gone and I waited for the spring.

Six years ago a consultant found that my vitamin D levels were exceptionally low and put me on some super strength Vitamin D tablets. My husband bought me a S.A.D. lamp. Friends offered to walk with me. People were determined to help me beat those winter blues.

When the pandemic hit and my daughter was home from university for 2020/21 she took me out walking every day of that winter and that hour walking each day helped stop me slipping into my usual malaise. Daylight certainly helps. Unfortunately last winter I was back to not going out if I could help it and, again, my mood wasn't so good. I could feel the gloom slipping in from early October.

This year, as September started to approach, I felt that familiar anxiety start to build, the expectation of feeling sad soon. But I decided that I'm going to try very hard not to let that happen. In winter it's the weather and lack of light, in September, for me, I think it's become a habit. A habit that I am going to break. Maybe my S.A.D will return again this winter, maybe not, but one thing I am sure of - I am not helping it along by setting myself up to be sad.

I have decorated for autumn and it is beautiful. I intend to go for regular walks and soak up the colours, the sights and the sounds of the season. I intend to join in the celebrations, Harvest, Hallowe'en, Bonfire night, Thanksgiving. I will bake seasonally. If we get bright days I will pop on a coat, make some hot chocolate and sit in my garden and soak up that beautiful daylight. I will read autumn poetry. I will wear autumn colours. I am determined that I will reclaim my love of this season and, who knows, maybe that will help me a little through the dark nights of winter. This winter there will be fairy lights and there will be hope. I will continue with my lists of feelgood activities to keep me on the up and I will do my very best this year to keep that positivity going. And if I slip some days, that is okay, maybe it will be fewer days than last year. Every step is a step forward and suffering from S.A.D. is not a failure, it's a struggle, a struggle against a feeling which on some days wins, but on some days doesn't and those days are a triumph.

My first step in the battle this year is to reclaim my love of autumn, which really is a beautiful season. Now that's not so difficult is it?

Weather

 

I live in England. One of the things that people in England are well know for is talking about the weather. Very often it's complaining about the weather -'It's too hot/Where is the summer?/Will it ever stop raining? It seems that the English are never happy weather wise. 

My Mum was not a typical Englishwoman. She loved the weather here and she taught me to love it too. She would say that the variety of weather was what made this such a great place to live. She would tell me that, much as she loved warm weather, she would hate to live somewhere where it was hot all the time. She loved the variety of weather that we have and that's something that I continue to share with her to this day. 

As a child if it poured with rain, and I would sulk because it meant that I couldn't play out with my friends, she would remind me that my Dad always said the reason our fields and gardens were so lush and green here was because we had plenty of rain and that rainy days were as important as sunny ones. I eventually learned to enjoy rain, the sound of it pattering down the windows, the smell of petrichor, the way it makes everywhere shine and I had plenty to do indoors anyway. It was time for more reading, colouring in, maybe try a new jigsaw puzzle, play board games with my Mum. One rainy day my Mum taught me to knit. A skill for which I am eternally grateful.

Now as an adult. I love all weathers - apart from gales. I have never learned to appreciate gales. Winds are fine. We used to go kite flying in good winds but gales, no, to me they are just scary and destructive.

In my 20s I went on a few hot beach holidays abroad. I have to say they were not for me. I'm not one for lying in the sun. I later enjoyed exploring the history and architecture of hot countries and those holidays were enjoyable but, by the middle of the second week, I was always ready to come home to our cooler temperatures.

Walking in the rain has always been a favourite pastime. I can remember in my late teens calling a friend to ask if she wanted to go for a walk and she replied "But it's pouring down" Bless her she came anyway, and she grew to love it too and when she met her husband started taking him for walks in the rain, despite his initial protestation of 'But it's pouring down.'

What of cloudy, cool summer's days that aren't as hot and sunny as we hope? Well, my mother would tell you that there is no such thing as the wrong weather, you're just wearing the wrong clothes. Those days are best for donning cardigans or coats and going walking or getting those outside jobs done that you get too uncomfortable doing in hot weather.

I struggle with winter. It's not the weather, it's the lack of light. I suffer from SAD. If I go out for a good long walk each day and soak up what daylight there is I am much happier than if I stay home. Unfortunately my SAD often works against me and tells me that it's not nice out there and I should stay home, then I get sadder about the gloomy weather. During Covid lockdown when my daughter was living at home she took me out walking every day and my spirits did not sink like they usually do. Making the effort to enjoy the weather, whatever comes, is good for both our physical and mental health. I aim to try much harder to do that again come next winter.

What I do love about winter is the frost on the ground and the leaves making beautiful patterns and glistening in the morning daylight. Snow is also one of my favourite weathers. Building snowmen, making snow angels and having a snowball fight with friends. I love the silence and stillness the snow leaves outside and I love just looking out over our garden covered with a beautiful white carpet. 

Please don't complain too much about our lovely weather. If it is cold dig out an extra jumper, wear a hat, scarf and gloves outside. Sometimes it's so nice walking when everyone else is staying indoors. If it rains don waterproofs and wellies and go anyway - we once sat through an outside Shakespeare performance in heavy rain. Bless the actors for carrying on. If it is very hot wear cotton, a sunhat and sunglasses. Remember, as my mother always said, that there is no such thing as the wrong weather, just the wrong clothes for it!

The Call of the Sea

 

The picture above is of our lovely Crosby beach, within walking distance of my home. It is a beautiful place to visit and a wonderful place to think. 

There is an old saying by Martin Buxbaum:

“I have seen the sea when it is stormy and wild; when it is quiet and serene; when it is dark and moody. And in all its moods, I see myself”

I love that saying and sometimes wonder whether that is why I love the sea so much, because it has all the same moods as I do. If I am happy I go down to our beach and appreciate its beauty. If  I am sad I take myself down there, sit and have a cry then walk and walk along the sands to work it out. If I am cross I visit the beach and walk and walk and listen to the rhythm of the waves and it calms me down, as though it's saying 'Hush, how is this anger helping, calm down, think reasonably'. The beach and sea  is my friend and my counsellor. In all times of my life it's been there to listen, to calm and to smile with me.

A few years ago my husband and I were considering moving when he retires. We were looking at a variety of places and I suddenly said 'Unless it's by the coast or a river I'm not going, I couldn't settle'. Up to that point I hadn't realised how much I need the flow of water around me. I told this to my daughter and she said that she fully understood, that she couldn't settle fully inland either. We are coastal girls and always will be.

I take walks along our beach throughout the year. I especially like it early morning or outside of summer when it is quiet and I can walk with just my thoughts, the gulls and the waves lapping along the sands. Just walking along there grounds me, settles me and assures me that all is okay. You'll often find a walk along the beach on my 'feelgood activities list'. The beach is in my blood. I remember visiting it as a little girl with my Dad who would tell me to listen to those waves talking - maybe that's why I find them comforting. He would also point out the ships on the Mersey and tell me all the far away countries they were sailing to and that one day I could sail and explore anywhere in the world if I wanted to. As a small child this seemed amazing, I could be an explorer, an adventurer, because my Dad told me so. I often wonder what he would think if he knew how unadventurous I actually am.

My favourite holidays have always been at the seaside. Much as I love my Brontës and their moors, a few days is long enough away from the coast. Every summer my Dad would take our family to the Isle of Man for our summer holidays. We would stay in Laxey, exploring the island but always returning to the reassurance of that pebble beach and those lapping waves. My Dad passed away when I was still very young and, though we didn't go back to the Isle of Man, my Mum would always take me for a seaside holiday and I always loved it. Give me sand, rock pools and shells and I am happy.

When we married my husband booked us a wonderful honeymoon on the Isle of Lewis. We had two weeks of glorious weather and our cottage was right on a beach. We didn't see another soul on our beach for the two weeks just us, the sands and the waves. We explored the coast too and watched the seals around the island, it was heaven.

One of my favourite day trips when up north is out to the Farne Islands to watch the birds there, puffins if you go in May. I love it there and never want to leave. I feel like I'm making my own wildlife documentary, or as the kids will tell you "Mum, that's a lot of photos of birds and seals!"

Last year was our silver wedding anniversary and my husband asked me where I would like to go to celebrate for a week. Just the two of us. I immediately replied 'Anglesey'. We had the most wonderful week and we explored many beaches there. I just relaxed and smiled the whole week because we were by the sea and I so love the sea. 

My son sometimes asks me whether I would like to go to space one day. The reply is "Not until they find a planet with a nice beach with the waves lapping up".

I do have other interests, I love museums and art galleries and I really enjoy exploring stately homes but, at some point, I must return to my lovely beach and answer the call of the sea.

On realising that I am becoming a recluse and also realising that it's okay

 

In 2020 the country went into lockdown. Many people struggled with that. It was a difficult time and affected their mental health. For me my mental health actually improved. I have realised this in conversations with my daughter over recent days. She said to me ''You were happiest of all when you were in lockdown". I have realised that she is actually right. I can talk to anybody I meet but I also need my quiet time - and I need a lot of it. 

During lockdowns I focused on my little family, my garden, reading and going for walks. It was my idea of heaven. I hadn't realised but a lot of my anxiety is caused by having to meet people on a regular basis. This is no reflection on them - my friends and extended family are wonderful but my mind requires quiet, I need quiet - more than I ever realised. During all the lockdowns I was calm, I was relaxed and I was mostly happy, even with the fear of contracting the virus. I did have that fear but the fear of not having my own time and thoughts and having to socialise was removed and my head had time to be calm. 

When we go on summer holidays we always book a cottage in the middle of nowhere and I relax in the peace with my books. I look at the busy holidays in bustling places others choose and I feel stressed just looking at them. I am sure they feel stressed looking at the remote places I choose to visit. The thing is we are who we are and we all need to know that that is okay, even if it is different from others.

Since lockdowns were lifted many friends have suggested meeting up, going out for meals and having get togethers. It's what everyone else had been waiting for. For me it has been so stressful. I try to space people out, I try to explain that big get togethers are not for me. I know that I seem odd, yet during those enforced times away from the world I discovered who I am - I am a partial recluse, I need my peace, I need my space. I often say to my husband that I'd like to move away somewhere remote. that I can't handle people. My idea of heaven. I could plan my social time, well spaced out and with space to arrange a get together long in advance.

I used to volunteer to join in so much and help with many things but I've come to realise that that also causes me a lot of stress so I do it less and less. At first I felt guilty but I'm gradually realising that I'm just becoming who I am and telling myself that that is okay.

A friend once said 'but you chat away on social media', she's right, sometimes I do but the advantage of that is that when I have reached my social limit, I can put my tablet down, walk away and read a book, sit in the garden and watch the birds or just sit quietly. 

I have come to realise that I am who I am and who I am is a part time social recluse. Sometimes I need a few weeks away from everybody to just take some quiet time to reset myself. I like quiet, I like space, I like time to clear my thoughts, I like time alone in my garden, at a nature reserve or on the beach and that is okay. My children are social being who love being out doing things. That is who they are, and that is okay too. It has taken me over fifty years to discover who I am. So, please forgive me if I cancel plans, decline an invitation or just go off grid for a few weeks. I just need my quiet time to be me and, as my daughter tells me, being me is okay, stepping back is okay. I can still chat for England if I meet you on one of my walks but I need far more quiet time alone than I ever realised before Lockdowns.

It's just finally time to become who I am.